I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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