Fine. I'll sleep in my office
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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