Cold hands, warm shart.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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