im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
