So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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