There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
