I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
