I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
