I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just gift wrapped bread.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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