I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
