apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
