If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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