I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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