I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
