i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
