Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
