tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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