if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
