you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
pop tarts are not kleenex
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
