I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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