hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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