Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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