When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize