remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We were destined to go to rehab together
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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