i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
