If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I look better un-naked...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Sorry about my life...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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