so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
