If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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