I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
