im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
