She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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