dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
