I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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