I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
