I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
