what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
