I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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