I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
