I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
