I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
