Don't make out with my wife yet
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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