Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
