I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ketchup is God's man juice
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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