I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
