there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
