There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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