Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
