So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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