we have pet lesbian snakes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
