sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
