You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
