Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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