Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
