NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
