Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
