I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
