You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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