We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
