I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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