don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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