Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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