Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
