i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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