Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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