I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
