Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
